When Jesus set the parameters for a blessed life, they must have landed with surprise on the ears of his hillside congregation. The Beatitudes are even more counter-cultural today, for the 21st-century church conveys blessings of a different sort:
- Blessed are those who keep up appearances;
- Blessed are you when you look good and say good things–preferably in fewer than 280 characters;
- Blessed is she who plays it safe and offends no one with her strong words or deeply held convictions.
Sharon Hodde Miller has put her finger on our need to be liked and has then given her readers tools for smashing the idol of niceness. The truth of Nice, her latest book, is that God has called us to so much more than a life of safe answers and artificial sweetness. The power of God in us enables believing women to embody true kindness, honesty, courage, and joy. We are called and we are empowered by His Spirit to speak words of truth without veering into outrage and to cultivate true fruits of righteousness in our relationships, workplace, ministry, and community.
The Idol of Niceness
Without advocating for rudeness or a shrill voice, Miller uncovers the ugly roots of niceness:
…we make ourselves pleasant, agreeable, acceptable, or likable in order to get something. We use niceness to achieve belonging or avoid conflict, but we also use it to amass influence and power. We use niceness to succeed in the workplace or to manage the way people perceive us. (23)
Oddly, “nice” first showed up in the dictionary in a 1604-edition to describe that which was “slow and laysie.” By the early 1800’s, it had come into its present connotation for pleasing behavior. Sadly, we’re prone, particularly in the church, to value niceness over other qualities and to excuse just about any lack of virtue in those who possess the false virtue of niceness.
According to Phil Ryken, president of Wheaton College, niceness is “easy to fake,” and as we craft and curate our images on social media, we are continually challenged to check our motivation and to stay grounded in authenticity.
The False Virtue of Niceness
Notorious child-molester Dr. Larry Nassar was a “nice” guy. For decades, his upstanding reputation caused coaches and parents to doubt young female gymnasts who accused Nassar of inappropriate behavior in the examining room. When we put our faith in niceness, we become blinded to truth. In Matthew 7, Jesus calls his followers to a sharp discernment that distinguishes between the sheep and the wolves that come our way, and good listening and continual character development are our strongest tools in preventing blind spots and uncovering our biases.
Miller warns readers against false virtues that are the fruit of empty niceness:
- Fake courage
C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape aimed to confuse courage with “feeling brave” in the mind of his patient.
“Brave” has become a juicy commodity for Christian writers and speakers, so we’re continually reinforced in patting ourselves on the back for courage that is more about platform than about the uncomfortable disruption we see in the lives of Old Testament heroes like Jeremiah and his fellow prophets with their gritty messages calling for repentance and warning of judgment. - Fake righteousness
Self-righteousness puts on a good show, but the “niceness” evaporates when grace for the “undeserving” walks into the room–or when a truly brave soul dares to take on the Pharisee with constructive criticism.
Our Greatest Obstacle to Spiritual Growth
Every spiritual discipline and every positive example of Christ in the New Testament, all given for our growth, cuts across our standard of what the “nice” Christian should do or be. With our addiction to success, it’s hard to make room for teaching that looks like death or loss, but (returning to Matthew 7 and the Sermon on the Mount) Jesus is all about pruning, cutting back, and burning the dead wood.
As we abandon our middle school efforts to enter the “inner ring,” as we conform to Christ and understand that we don’t need to become someone else in order to come to Christ, the masks come off. The example of the apostle Peter during Jesus’s trials and later in the early church reveals that most of us want acceptance far more than we want Christ.
As our roots go deep into disciplines of worship, study, obedience, and hope, we begin to see that we are being held in relationship with Christ the True Vine, and this is where true virtue lives. Nice is our call to close the gap between who we are and who we are called to be; to be who we say we are; and to begin the slow work that produces the fruit of righteousness, the only fruit that lasts for eternity.
Many thanks to Baker Books for providing a copy of this book to facilitate my review, which, of course, is offered freely and with honesty.
Grace and peace to you,
I also read, reviewed, and enjoyed Sharon’s first book, Free of Me: Why Life Is Better When It’s Not about You, which is an invitation to throw off the burden of self-focus and to find worth and belonging within the larger context of an obedient following that is all about Christ, His purposes, and His glory.
I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees. If you should decide to purchase Nice: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More simply click on the title within the text, and you’ll be taken directly to Amazon. If you decide to buy, I’ll make a small commission at no extra cost to you.
Subscribe to Living Our Days to get regular content delivered to your inbox. Just enter your e-mail address in the field at the top of this page.
Such a good book! I loved reading your thoughts on it.
LikeLike
And I yours…
LikeLike
It was such a good book and I loved reading your review on this one as well.
LikeLike
What important reminders about who we are in a world that sometimes skews our vision. So thankful for writers who speak into these spaces to help us understand more of who God makes and calls us to be!
LikeLike
This is Sharon’s second book, and both have been very strong in calling women to MORE than what we imagine we ‘re made for.
LikeLike
I’m nice when I deliver Truth. ss
LikeLike
Yes, you are.
LikeLike
Adding this book to my list. I can be guilty of overvaluing “nice” in the cultural sense, especially when confrontation seems fruitless. But there are times that “nice” doesn’t work and can be contrary to “love.” Thanks for putting this book back on my radar. I’ve seen it somewhere else, but now I’ll be intentional about finding it again.
LikeLike
Oh… I get lazy myself when I feel as if I’m up against a “hopeless” case. So thankful God the Holy Spirit keeps after me without giving up.
And I almost missed reading this book, because I thought it sounded a bit like a “self-help” read, but glad I reconsidered and glad I was wrong.
LikeLike
Looks like a much-needed book. I am so thankful for God surrounding me with truth speakers also – my husband especially- who don’t allow me to sink into sin for long 😅.
The beautiful thing about the example of Peter is how Jesus led him to repentance (also through the blunt truth of Paul, who didn’t mince his words) and he was then a stunning example of how God can turn a “nice” guy out to please and placate into a powerful truth speaker, prepared to lose his life for His Savior. The life of Peter has been such an encouragement to me – this recovering “nice” girl, who God keeps putting into situations where I am given the option of speaking the truth or taking the “nice” route. I am slowly learning the power of truth speaking in love – and not to put stock in immediate responses of people but to wait on the LORD to bring repentance in His timing (this has been the hardest lesson – but I keep holding onto what God brought my Mum and little brother 20 + years after I spoke the truth).
LikeLike
Wow, Anna, it sounds as if you are on a journey yourself in which you are being called upon to smash the idol of “Nice” in your own life. You thoughts on patient waiting are especially helpful, so thank you for offering them here.
LikeLike
Great review! I’ve purchased the book. Hope you have a great week~ Melanie
LikeLike
Hope you enjoy it!
I think it’s a refreshing perspective for “church ladies” especially.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Michele, this sounds like a great book. I recently read about Jesus clearing the temple with a whip and turning over the tables. Definitely not what we’d call nice.
LikeLike
Great example, Debbie.
He knew how to offer compassion and he also knew the way of tough love.
LikeLike
Hello,
Great book review! I try always to be nice, honest and compassionate to others. Enjoy your day and a great weekend ahead!
LikeLike
Such good distinctions. We so often confuse kindness and niceness. These days when people are so quick to take offense, when some even want to stifle voices of truth, it’s all too easy to try to be nice so we offend no one. Or some take the opposite tack and wield truth like a club. How we need to speak the truth in love like our Savior did.
LikeLike
I think our society of social media makes being nice too productive. Everyone wants a “like” on a post. Being liked is overrated. You lose your sense of being, and place, in life being too nice. Thanks for linking up.
LikeLike
Oh, so true! We are slaves to being “liked.”
LikeLike
Great review of what sounds like a very interesting book. My mother would say that ‘nice’ is like ‘pretty good’. And she always detested when my father would say something – especially dinner – was ‘pretty good’. Somehow it sounds hollow and insincere.
I am afraid I try to be nice at times when I really feel like shaking someone. Need to be more true to myself and stop going for the figurative thumbs up.
LikeLike
Love that family etymology of “pretty good!”
LikeLike
Totally agree with the moral of this book, I am going to download it into my Kindle #,thatfridaylinky @_karendennis
LikeLike
Great! Hope you are challenged by it in all the good ways!
LikeLike
Michele,
Your is the second review I’ve read on the book, “Nice”. Maybe God is giving me a hint?? So true that people will use niceness as a means to manage and manipulate others. God does not value what the world values and their is a distinct difference between “nice” and “righteous”. We can do “nice” on our own, but we can’t do “righteous” on our own…big difference. Looks like a book I need to pick up and read…thank you!
Blessings,
Bev xx
LikeLike
I think I’ve read at least a couple other reviews of the book, and am SO glad I got to read it as well. Only as we begin to love what God loves and value what he values do we have a true picture of biblical “niceness.”
Thanks for reading.
LikeLike
Soo true and soo good!!💕🙌
LikeLiked by 1 person
So thankful to have you sharing about all these great books. You are a much faster reader than I. So at least though you I can know what books are about!
Thanks too for sharing at the Legacy Link-up.
LikeLike
I’ve always loved reading and talking books. Blogging has been great for that reason–and others as well.
LikeLike
Thank you for this review, very thought provoking book Michele!
Blessings,
Jennifer
LikeLike
Michelle,
Thanks so much for stopping by!!
Hugs,
Debbie
LikeLiked by 1 person
This sounds like a fascinating read. “Blessed are you when you look good and say good things–preferably in fewer than 280 characters”…how sad but true that this is the world we live. We can all use these little reminders. Thanks for joining my Link Up On the Edge!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
LikeLike
I do LOVE Twitter, but you’re right–it’s sad that it weighs us all on a broken scale.
LikeLike
❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for this review, Michele. Sounds like a book I can benefit from to deal with some ‘people-pleasing’ tendencies I see popping up.
Blessings to you, dear friend.
Marva | SunSparkleShine
LikeLike
It’s definitely easy to default to the idol of “nice” when we’re in people-pleasing mode. So glad to connect with you over this great book.
LikeLike
Great review as always. I understand the idea that we can fake niceness. I remember working with a principal who continued to say how nice someone was even though she was ineffective at her job. It used to drive me crazy. May I continue the slow work of “nice” and connect who I am and who I say I am with the journey toward righteousness.
LikeLike
That’s such a great illustration, because it’s not only in Christian circles that “niceness” is used as an excuse for inexcusable behaviors and unacceptable performance.
LikeLike
Michele, this is a powerful book. Nice is not the answer. Obedience is the answer. Purpose is the answer, but niceness for the sake of niceness is not the answer. I love this take on what has become a way of life for so many even me at times. It challenges us to be more!
LikeLike
Yes, as it turns out, “nice” (as we spin it so often!) is really a cowardly or lazy approach to life. We are called to so much more!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Michele, there is a lot of misunderstanding around the word “nice,” with some seeing it as a positive, others as a negative. This really clears it up. Rather than being “nice,” I try to be kind. #SeniSal
LikeLike
Absolutely true!
LikeLike
This one really got me thinking, Michele! I loved digging a little deeper into the history of this common word and finding the distinction between being nice and being kind. I’m going to deliberately remind my kids to be “kind” instead of “nice” from now on! Love this review!
LikeLike
Yes, kind is a good scriptural word!
LikeLike
Sounds like a very good book based on your review. #SeniSal
LikeLike
Thanks for reading!
LikeLike
I didn’t know that about the origin of the word “nice,” Michele. Interesting and so very illustrative of this problem in our lives. I do appreciate niceness, politeness, consideration, but not at the cost of integrity. Not just to be a people-pleaser! Thanks for this review, my friend! Very interesting book premise, indeed!
LikeLike
Great insight there on the fine line between being nice and being integral. By grace, we can do both, but I think many of us need our understanding of “niceness” sharpened.
Thanks for reading.
LikeLike
Michele, this sounds like a book I would enjoy reading, definitely saving it to my list. I just finished a post myself on a similar topic for a couple of days from now so it was especially interesting to me. It always comes back to wanting to look good on the outside without really challenging ourselves to grow and become like Christ. What a mess we are!
LikeLike
YES!
John MacArthur describes us as a people who are “more interested in looking good and feeling good than we are in doing good and being good.”
LikeLike
This sounds like a really powerful book–one I need to read because all too often I chose nice over doing what I know God wants me to do at a deeper level.
LikeLike
I also fall into that poor choice–in my case, I’m afraid I have to admit that it’s laziness and avoidance of conflict.
LikeLike
Wow. I added this book to my “to read” list long before I finished reading your review. Sounds like a timely message for today. We’ve done each other a disservice by shifting our focus from Truth (which sometimes hurts) to niceness. And we’ve become deadened to constructive criticism or godly correction because it doesn’t fit into our “nice box”. This results in moral and spiritual stagnancy.
LikeLike
That’s a great argument for true kindness and courage, Jana, in all our relationships.
LikeLike
I love these words on Nice. It’s not one of my favourite words. I remember an episode of MASH (I’m pretty old) where Frank Burns said, “It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” It’s so much more important to have a deeper understanding of what Jesus asks of us.
LikeLike
I used to watch MASH when I did my algebra homework, but I don’t remember that episode.
(I do remember how to factor a polynomial, however!)
LikeLike
I remember that line from Frank Burns! 😉 Amen to your deeper truth.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ahhh, Michele. What a challenging book with a crucial truth. As I read your post, I found myself thinking through actions wondering what motivated my “nice.” I’d like to think it is part of the presence of the Lord pouring through me. But, if I’m honest, that isn’t always the case.
These words sum things up so well: ” Nice is our call to close the gap between who we are and who we are called to be; to be who we say we are; and to begin the slow work that produces the fruit of righteousness, the only fruit that lasts for eternity.”
Thanks for sharing this, friend.
LikeLike
It’s always so good to analyze our motives. There’s usually so much going on behind the scenes, invisible even to us at times!
LikeLike
You read stuff that matters and then we read you and you make us reflect on things that matter. Hate the word nice and was always told never to use it as it goes but your post is deeper than that #DreamTeam
LikeLike
Thank you, Kate, for kind words.
And I agree with you about the word “nice.” I’ve never been a fan, either.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing at #ThursdayFavoriteThings. Pinned and shared. Have a lovely week. I hope to see you at next week’s party too!
LikeLike
Thanks, Marilyn.
LikeLike
[…] The False Virtue of Niceness https://michelemorin.net/2019/09/25/blessed-are-those-who-are-nice/ […]
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing at #OverTheMoon. Pinned and shared. Have a lovely week. I hope to see you at next week’s party too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Congratulations! Your post was my feature pick at #OverTheMoon this week. Each Hostess displays their own features so be sure to visit me on Sunday evening and to see your feature! I invite you to leave more links to be shared and commented upon. Please don’t forget to add your link numbers or post title so we can be sure to visit!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kindness and niceness are undervalued and deserve to be celebrated! Thanks for linking up with #globalblogging
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing your review with us on the #DreamTeam
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t think I’ve ever given thought to the concept of being nice, but there is so much truth here! I see so many times (in myself and in others) that we compromise on what the Bible says because we want to be “nice” and not offend other people. The problem, of course, is that ignoring the truth in favor of being nice isn’t loving. What’s loving is being honest and following Scripture. This doesn’t mean we have to be jerks–that’s not what God wants–but we can be patient, kind, generous, gentle, etc. without compromising.
LikeLike
Well, you’ve certainly summarized the message of the book, Shannon. We’ve just got our definition of “nice” from the wrong play book.
LikeLike