When Your Kids Make Poor Choices, Do You Feel Like a Parenting Failure?

As parents, we want what’s best for our children because we love them. Our perception of what’s “best,” therefore, shapes our prayers for our kids. We suffer over their failures and rejoice with them when success comes.

Sadly, our hearts forget that God’s love for our kids is even deeper than our own. We forget that fulfillment for our kids and grandkids will be found only in obedience to God and not elsewhere. This may require that we get out of God’s way and trust his perfect parenting of our adult children.

The Perilous Work of Parenting a Church Father

Monica, the mother of Augustine of Hippo, a first-century church father, was convinced that her son would be destroyed both morally and theologically if he went to Rome. As a woman of prayer, she set to work praying earnestly against his intention to travel to that very dangerous city.

In his Confessions, Augustine tells the story of Monica following him, weeping, right to the dock. Fully intending to go anyway, he deceived her, telling her he had a friend to see, and secretly sailed away.

I’m sure she wondered why God allowed this jarring “NO” to her prayer, but, godly woman though she was, she didn’t have access to the mind of God. Augustine explains: “In the depths of [God’s] counsels and hearing the main point of her desire, regarded not what she then asked that [God] mightiest make me what she always asked.”

God said NO to Monica’s prayer of that moment so as to say YES to what she had been praying for his entire adult life. Frantic with sorrow, she didn’t know that joy was coming, so she wailed and continued praying.

God heard Monica’s prayer and had mercy on Augustine. He was hearing and doing what he had determined beforehand, long before he had ever said NO to Monica. Augustine sailed to Rome, and it was in Rome that he was converted.

“Thy Will Be Done”

To be a child of the Father, I must be able to pray the Lord’s prayer. What appear to be great general principles in the opening lines–God’s name, God’s kingdom, God’s will–hit the ground of practicality pretty quickly when we pray for our kids. If I pray “Your will be done,” it may mean that, for me, “My will be undone.” And who of us likes that?

When we pray “Your will be done,” we’ve got to be willing to surrender our wills for the accomplishment of God’s will. We can choose to disobey–or we can offer our wills to God.
Every day.

Of course, I can’t give to God anything that I haven’t first been given. Life, breath, brains, emotions–all are gifts to offer back to God. Even so, the decision-making power God created us with is absolute. He could have made us like the clams and the lobsters and the giraffes and the tides who all obey God perfectly.

However, like Augustine, like our own prone-to-wander hearts, our children may defy God and say “My will be done.” God gave them (and us) that power.

God could have made us like the clams and the lobsters and the giraffes and the tides who all obey God perfectly. Our adult children may defy God and say “My will be done.” God gave them (and us) that power.

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Pray for Your Children Anyway!

In spite of our children’s God-given power to make poor choices, we are still told to make our requests to God. Monica, Augustine’s mother, made her request known to God, and God ultimately fulfilled her overarching prayer for Augustine’s soul–even though he said no to the request that nearly broke her heart. God let Augustine go to Rome.

There is no “formula” for praying for our kids that totally avoids heartache, but here’s a tiny suggestion:

First, yield your will.

Then ask.

My understanding is that the universe was created with laws. As obvious and unbreakable is the law of gravity, prayer is also one of the laws of the universe. God so ordained the world that my prayers actually do matter. God ordained prayer as a law of the universe, and he is free to operate within that law as he sovereignly wills.

My prayers are not to force God to cooperate with me but to teach me to cooperate with God. Let your requests be made known unto God even if you don’t know whether they fit into his kingdom or his will.

What are you praying about today?
Do you ever feel like a parenting failure when your kids make bad choices?
As you hammer on God’s door, are you also offering up your will for his will?

There is no “formula” for praying for our kids that totally avoids heartache, but here’s a tiny suggestion: First, yield your will. Then ask.

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And Now Let’s Talk Books…

The author’s day job as a physician is manifest in the book’s scope and level of detail in the description of medical procedures and the history of leprosy treatment in India. Too, his own family’s connection to the ancient Christian community founded by Thomas the doubting disciple has informed his references to church and missiological history and his lovely allusions to the Christian Scriptures.

Verghese’s main protagonist, the twelve-year-old bride who ripens into the family matriarch, is only one of the strong women whose passing lives propel the narrative forward. Their days are complicated by British colonialism, the caste system, and their fierce connection to family, and the reader is treated to a front-row seat to the women’s rich, interior lives. Their faith and loyalty are like the water surrounding their dwelling place, ever-present, informing their decisions, and binding them together in ways that do not become apparent until the last page of this deeply satisfying novel is turned.

Holding You in the Light,

A stunning work of fiction, #TheCovenantofWater follows 3 generations of a family in Southern India. @GrovePressUK @AtlanticBooks

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Did You Know that I Also Publish a Monthly Newsletter?

Every month I send a newsletter with biblical encouragement straight to my subscribers’ email inboxes. Frequently, I share free resources, and the newsletter is where everything lands first. I’m committed to the truth that women can become confident followers of God and students of his Word, and it’s my goal to help you along that path.

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees. If you should decide to purchase any of the books or products I’ve shared, simply click on the image, and you’ll be taken directly to the seller. If you decide to buy, I’ll receive a few pennies at no extra cost to you.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Grove Press for providing a copy of this book to facilitate my review, which is, of course, offered freely and with honesty.

Photo by Jan Tinneberg on Unsplash