Awkward Questions of the Empty Nest

Awkward Questions of the Empty Nest and Answers Shaped by Love

Posted on by Michele Morin

One spring day, floor plans and scholarship applications littered my dining room table. The talk around dinner was all about the future as one son was building a house and another (the youngest!) was looking forward to graduation. Life as I knew it then was about to undergo a drastic change here on this country hill.

Having homeschooled a brood of four sons for the past twenty-one years, I had certainly seen our story trending in this direction and had felt the current of life rushing toward the door. I had not missed the significance of the unpredictable number of place settings at dinner, the unexpected date nights when my good husband and I realized we were home alone—Again!

I remember that eventually, I became an object of concern to some since the “baby” had turned 18 and was poised to graduate in the spring. They began to ask, tentatively, kindly, as if, perhaps, it might be a tender subject for me, “What on earth are you going to do with yourself?”

The awkward question of the empty nest: “What on earth are you going to do with yourself?”

The Awkward Questions of the Empty Nest

I’m used to questions. Although I did not realize it at the time, I have since noticed how unusual it is to schlep a shopping cart and four sons through a grocery store. “Are they all yours?” was the most common query I received in the season of the loaded blue mini-van, but my favorite was the inappropriate and completely boundary-less, “Do they all have the same father?” (What…??)

One day, the awkward questions of the empty nest season coalesced in the dining room. I was standing in this liminal space, holding a stack of blue and tan Pfaltzgraff and an indeterminate number of forks, when all the questions from all the seasons of my mothering life met and danced in a circle around my emptying nest. 

I realized then, in a sense, that nothing had changed.

The duties are all still there: the food prep, the studying, the laundry, the teaching, the vacuuming, the long listening to friends. The proportions are all that differ. Even in the intense season of four daily math lessons and multiple sports and music drop-offs and pick-ups, I would have been found rummaging around in the Sermon on the Mount while parked outside the middle school or scrawling lines into a well-floured notebook while rolling pie dough.

All the love is still there. Little hands still hold loaded paintbrushes and cut gingerbread boys from sticky dough at my kitchen counter, but they belong to my grandchildren now. The concerned phone calls, the proffered wisdom, and the checking-in now run in both directions, as our sons have surpassed us in many practical ways, but continue to do us the honor of asking our advice now and then. Band-Aids are no longer dispensed on the daily, but encouragement and help to the young women in my life feels a little bit like healing.

My mothering life goes on, and this is surely what will lie at the center of whatever response I live my way into as an answer to every season’s new line of questioning. When the house was perpetually noisy, when pizza was on the menu every Friday, and we argued over which Disney movie to pop into the VCR, I thought I would never forget any of it—I would remember it always just the way it was.

The Answers Shaped by Love

The stories we tell one another about our family in the past have been molded by the shape of our family today. Funny stories become a better memory every year. Wrongs of the past, while still wrong and regrettable, have been so completely forgiven that the sting of the story has been swallowed up in love.

Maybe what author Madeleine L’Engle said of herself, looking back upon a full life, is also true of my family: “I am still every age that I have been.” The stages of a mothering life are built from a series of moments: now, now, and now quickly become then, and my family-as-it-is collides in memory with my family-as-it-was.

An action verb, mothering always has and will continue to comprise elements of giving and telling, listening, and nurturing. Mothers in every season are tasked with the creation of safe emotional space, long after the need for clean socks and a full lunch box has expired.

What in the world will I do with myself now that my boys have become young men and my mothering in the flesh is now, primarily, a mothering of the spirit? The answer, I believe, will be another question, because it has been the question all along:

“What story do I want to be able to tell going forward?”

An action verb, mothering will always comprise elements of giving and telling, listening, and nurturing. In every season we create safe emotional space long after the need for clean socks and a full lunch box has expired.

And Now Let’s Talk Books…

I knew the empty nest years had begun for me when people started asking me, “What in the world will you do with yourself now?” For those asking themselves that same question, Ruthie Gray is coming alongside with a meaningful path and well-lit signposts to offer direction in a way that’s both compassionate and kick-in-the-pants direct. Her own empty nest story set against a backdrop of multi-generational caregiving lends both weight and vulnerability to her words.

Empty Nest Awakening offers very practical guidance for taking the next step forward with hilarious parentheses that feel like a conversation over coffee. In sharing the story of her success as a coach and podcaster, Gray is quick to point to her gospel roots as the motivation behind her work, reporting that she is “courageous in Christ’s strength to do His will.”

It’s absolutely true that fear of the unknown, multiple and conflicting priorities, and the challenges presented by an aging body will all seem insurmountable as we move into the season of the empty nest. However, it is also true that when our dreams for the future are God-inspired, they will also be God-empowered. We are invited to take the risk and experience God’s faithfulness first hand.

Holding You in the Light,

Encouragement for #emptynesters from @ruthiegray123: “#EmptyNestAwakening means we’ve likely lived over half our lives and it’s time to throw away fear.”

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“What in the World Will You Do with Yourself” appeared originally at Kindred Mom in May 2020.

Published by Michele Morin

Michele Morin is a Bible teacher, writer, reader, and gardener committed to the truth that women can become confident Christ-followers and students of God's Word. She has been married to an unreasonably patient husband for thirty-plus years, and together they have four sons, four daughters-in-love, and six adorable grandchildren. Michele loves hot tea and well-crafted sentences, poems that stop her in her tracks, and days at the ocean with the whole family. She laments biblical illiteracy and advocates for the prudent use of “little minutes.” She blogs at Living Our Days, and you can connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

23 thoughts on “Awkward Questions of the Empty Nest and Answers Shaped by Love”

  1. This was very encouraging to read as even my youngest has started talking about going away to college and where he wants to go. I can see that empty nest fast approaching and my husband asks me often what I am going to do once they are all gone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Michele, I only had two children and was often asked what would I do when they were both gone. While my “mothering” may look differently now, I think it requires more of me. I pray more now than I did when they were home as my prayers now include their spouses and grandchildren 🙂 This post was most encouraging and I appreciated your thoughts. May the Lord continue to strengthen you as your family expands and you write your story! {{hugs}}

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  3. Michele, I loved your thoughts here. As a new empty nester, I’m making the shift in my mothering that comes to each of us at some point. I loved what you said here: “Mothers in every season are tasked with the creation of safe emotional space, long after the need for clean socks and a full lunch box has expired.”

    I’m finding ways to connect with our college-aged sons, mostly via text and the occasional FaceTime. They will always be on my heart.

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  5. good gosh, the questions people ask! i never cease to be amazed.

    i’m taken in by your perspective on the duties, the mothering, the love, the stories … how much shifts drastically yet how much stays the same. these transition times can leave us unsteady or uncertain, but you’re showing us the fruit of doing it well.

    thanks, friend.

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    1. I want so much to do it well. And I am aware that there’s a limited time and there are a finite number of opportunities to connect, to transmit all the love and goodness. It feels even more missional than the early days somehow…

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  6. We have one son. that’ s right, he’s an only child. When he went to junior college, it was my husband who decided we would go down there every other weekend. He had a difficult time finding work in the field he studied for. We had him at home until he was almost 30. He moved across our state. His job closed and he came back home. For the next 9 1/2 years, he lived with us as he tried to find a decent job. When he was 40, he got a job with the government out of state. We are glad that he found a job that he has held for over 12 years. Eight and a half years ago, he moved back to our state. I am proud of our son. He is single by choice.

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  7. I’m intrigued by the questions people ask! Life is a journey of changes and roles. You’ve reminded me to speak words of encouragement when there is a life change such as children no longer living at home. Instead of “What are you going to do now?” (which sounds like a pressure statement!) maybe we could ask “How are you doing?” and listen, listen, listen. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. When people ask me what I do now, I’m tempted to answer, “Whatever I want to.” 🙂 But the more accurate answer is I still do the same things too, just in different proportions, as you so wisely said, Michele.

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  9. I thought I would have so much more free time when the nest was empty. That has not been the case! But I love that mothering isn’t over when kids no longer live at home. I love that thought that mothering is an action verb no matter what ages our children are, and even to others besides our own children.

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  11. Oh Michele … this is resonating with me today: “Mothers in every season are tasked with the creation of safe emotional space, long after the need for clean socks and a full lunch box has expired.” One daughter may call from another country and talk for 1 1/2 hours, while all I hear from the other most days is her morning Snapchat picture. But as I figure out what this empty nest season looks like, I still want to be available to them. Please keep writing about this topic, my friend … I might not be able to receive it over coffee but I still want to soak up your wisdom.

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  12. I was so tempted to answer, “The same thing I have been doing – loving and following Jesus!” But I chose to be gracious and kind and say, “I’m not sure yet.” Ha! Michele, I don’t think people always think through how their questions come across to others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! That would have certainly been an eye opening response for those who see our role as narrow and temporary! I remind myself that people often don’t really “hear” themselves when outrageous things come out of their mouths!

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