One of the great gifts of living past middle age has been the opportunity for meaningful connections with younger women. Through conversations about faith, parenting, or the challenges of ministry, I hear their hopes for stronger marriages and sympathize with their sleep-deprived discouragement over whatever discipline challenges their kids are dishing out. I’m thankful when they challenge me with their deep desire to become more confident Christ-followers and students of God’s word.
As we visit, whether in living rooms or church parking lots, I also notice myself examining my response to their unlined faces, perfect nails, and wardrobe choices so different from my own. I’m grateful that none of the packaging gets in my way now, but there was a time when it would have. Sadly, my twentysomething self would have been intimidated by the beauty and accomplishments of these dear women — and I would have missed out on the gift of their friendship!
I’m over at Desiring God today and writing about the Mommy Wars—the competition and comparison that poisoned many a playdate! Instead of embracing lonely habits of judgment, how might we focus our attention on humbly learning from one another? In sharing my own failures, I hope to encourage younger moms to see other mothers not as competition, but as the counselors we all abundantly need to raise children in the Lord. A click on the button below will take you to the post!
Holding You in the Light,
When we link our identity and our value to our parenting decisions, we reveal an insufficient understanding of our humanity and a diminished view of the gospel. How liberating to be saved by grace, not by mothering!
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Oh this is such a great topic to tackle!
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Oh, good!
I definitely found it challenging to write about.
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I became a mom at 31 too! I love the grace and wisdom you offer moms of all ages in this article. We’re all learning as we go. All works in progress. All in need of divine help and (I believe) the in-person encouragement of moms who are further along the path.
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Still Learning!
And still so aware that I need plenty of grace to relate in a right way to my grown up kids—and THEIR kids!
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How wonderful it would be if we loved and supported each other instead of comparing and criticizing. I’ve found friendships with moms at different ages and stages and styles to be a blessing . . . when I remember to see them as sisters in Christ. Great topic!
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I’m actually encouraged by what I see happening among the millennials and GenZ women of my church and my family. I think THEY have picked up on some wisdom that escaped me at their ages.
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Souhail toujeni
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I think any fleshly standard is an “unrealistic standard,” especially when applied to motherhood. Just as it is wrong to find identity in anything other than Jesus, it is just as wrong to pin an “identity” on others. Our choices do give a glimpse into who we are, but it’s not our (or others) complete identity (i.e. home, private, public schooling). As you stated, gratitude and rejoicing in each lady’s unique purpose, gifting, and role is key to uprooting the ugly comparison trap and rerouting the Mommy wars to side-by-side ministry for His Kingdom.
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All our fascination with “identity” has certainly resulted in some pointless navel gazing and rummaging around in our emotional entrails. Thanks be to God for his unique and purposeful gifting and calling.
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I wish I had been prepared for the “mommy wars” before I became a mom. I appreciate the call to let others do as they feel led in issues that Scripture doesn’t spell out and not find our identity in those things.
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YES! Let’s not go to war over second and third tier issues!
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Divininely-inspired common sense, Michele! We end up short-changing ourselves in all the ways you described–comparing ourselves to others, trying to live up to impossible standards in several camps at once, feeding our egos while striving toward perfection in the camp we care most about. Meanwhile we’re missing out on the support, encouragement, and friendship of sisters in Christ. / I love your sense of humor about cello practice at dawn and grinding grain for cereal! How perfect an illustration to discourage the push beyond excellence in order to prove our worth!
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I think we bump into those impossible standards in every season of life. However, I do see my daughters-in-law and other young women I meet doing a much better job of sorting through the tangle. I want to learn from them!
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You hit it out of the ball-bark Michele! I love this: “If, as Theodore Roosevelt supposedly said, “Comparison is the thief of contentment,” the apostle Paul successfully wrestled the thief to the ground: “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content” (Philippians 4:11). – you are such a beautiful, deep wordsmith! I am left wondering what is Luther’s horse?
Coming of age in 1980 – the idea that we had be be super woman at everything was enslaving. Once I realized I only had to be who God designed me to be – that was liberating – and understanding how God’s gifts work in us differently – allowed me to better understand the women around me – and that, too, was liberating.
Being a young mom is hard – especially as we are still like a young flower emerging from its bud. I still do not understand the whole of who God has designed me to be – we all need so much grace at each age.
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Here’s a link to an explanation of Luther’s horse: https://www.1517.org/articles/drunks-on-horseback
And isn’t it just a miracle of grace to be able to throw the Super woman cape into the trash and just live according to our season and our design?
I’m definitely still learning, too.
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I never had children of my own, but I can still relate to this. Comparison is so hard to avoid sometimes.
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I agree—it’s women in general and not just moms. Thanks for making that important point of clarification!
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