How I Found Myself Living in the Desert

In the dark, in the car, hands on the steering wheel, I sighed in frustration. “I can’t do this anymore,” I said out loud, startling myself with the fierceness of my tone over the sound of the car’s heater.

On that frigid January night, I was brittle with fatigue and hollow with disappointment. I had been pouring energy, preparation, and something I imagined would pass for love into a group of women who, it seemed to me, did not appreciate my efforts at all. 

Years later, I’m embarrassed to admit to the self-pity and resentment that rode home with me on that long-ago miserable, wintry night. I had succumbed to the deathly trap of focusing on people, needing their approval and their appreciation to feel that my ministry was valued and that I was worthy as a person. 

God warned his people Israel through the prophet Jeremiah that when we look to our fellow humans as our first and most important support, the loudest voices in our hearts, we are entering a barren desert:

Thus says the Lord: ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength,whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land’”  (Jeremiah 17:5-6 ESV). 

I was feeling like a parched dwarf juniper with roots sunk into dry sand! Certainly I had not planned to set my itinerary toward desert living. However, there is a process by which a thing becomes, over time, transformed into another thing.

Ministry in Desert Places

I had begun my teaching ministry with strong motives, committed to pouring my life into my students and delighting in the study that was required. The response was all I could have hoped for. Students shared that they were digging into their Bibles independently; our meetings were lively with discussion; participants responded with appreciation for the insights they gained from our class time.  

Looking back, it’s clear that I eventually became dependent upon those affirmations. What began as a vital ministry in which I opened the Word and gave voice to the faith that was in me slid surreptitiously into a people-pleasing game. Soon, I was wasting emotional energy on pointless pondering and insecure conclusions based on empty air:

“Why wasn’t anyone taking notes?”
“Not one person said they enjoyed my lesson tonight.”
“Doesn’t anyone appreciate all my hard work??”

Sadly, my heart had been weaned away from God. When frail humans begin to depend upon other frail humans for what only God is able to provide, the only possible outcome is disappointment. Writer and theologian Henri Nouwen put his finger on the lie I had begun to believe:  “I am what other people say about me.” 

Jeremiah’s warning to “the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength” came after good King Josiah’s reforms brought a course correction to God’s wayward people—or at least got their most scandalous behavior out of sight. When Jeremiah detected a return to their patterns of perfidy, he sounded the alarm! Once again, Israel had shifted their dependence from the Lord to false gods, to alliances with other nations, or to their own cleverness, and in doing so, they went from blessing to barrenness, from vitality and fruitfulness to parched desert living that eventually led to their destruction and exile. 

Have you ever fallen prey to this pervasive lie?

The Only Reliable Reference Point

One thing is abundantly clear:  My heart is safe only when my identity is centered on my true status as God’s beloved daughter. Any other reference point will lead to a life full of ups and downs, a precarious confidence based on the good opinions of a fickle following, and even competition with others who threaten my treasured position on the pedestal.

Dependence on human approval is like chasing after the wind. Exactly how many people have to approve of me before I can feel secure?

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Dependence on human approval is a chasing after the wind. Exactly how many people have to approve of me before I can feel secure? I know from experience that if one hundred people say I’m fine, but one person finds a fault, I will remember and focus on that one!

It is my experience (and it is the scriptural pattern) that regular doses of truth are the only reliable antidote to the poisonous lies we tell ourselves every single day. God alone can satisfy your deepest thirst and fill your deepest hunger.  John, the beloved disciple, wrote extensively about Jesus’s deep and abiding love that led him to lay down his life for us—a firm foundation for our heart’s assurance:

“By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything (I John 3:19-20 ESV).

When we listen to the voices of others, in the end, there in the desert of discouragement, it is our own heart that ends up condemning us. The good news is: “God is greater than our heart!” His voice called you into existence. His voice tells you who you really are. 

Will you choose to live parched and barren, focused on the opinions of the people in your life, no matter how well-meaning they might be? Or will you listen to God, who “knows everything” about you? 

There is a spring of fresh water flowing nearer than your next breath. Will you turn and trust and drink?

• What is your reference point today for success or value in your ministry? Do you listen first for the approval of your colleagues or those to whom you minister?
• Have you sensed a dryness in your ministry, a dissatisfaction related to people’s lack of “appreciation” for all you do?
• Are you willing to risk serving others for God’s approval alone? Can you see how this mindset would lead to greater freedom and fruitfulness in ministry?

Holding You in the Light,

When frail humans begin to depend upon other frail humans for what only God can provide, the only possible outcome is disappointment.

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