Is It Possible to Live a Life Free of Regret?

It’s been years since I opened or added to the baby memory books I created for each of my sons. They’re tucked away in a box somewhere, faithful records of first words, first steps, and my hopes and dreams for their precious lives. One inscription common to all four hangs in my memory because it has been repeated in my prayers throughout my years of mothering: “May you live your life in such a way that you will have no regrets.”

The realism that has come with the passing of years tugs at my sleeve with a question:
“Is that even possible?”

I recognize the motive behind the thought and behind the many prayers. At that time, as a young woman, a young wife, and a young mother, I was weighed down with the feeling of having failed. I believed that I had come up short as a daughter, a sister, and a friend, that I had not applied myself fully to any one thing in my education or my career, that I had not entered fully into ministry opportunities or invested adequately in the people God had entrusted to my teaching.

Knowing the ache of remorse, I wanted nothing but freedom for my children. As a frequent spectator to a long parade of my own regrets, I wanted my sons to experience satisfaction in their lives and to escape the long, sad backward look.

Because God “knows what we are made of,” because God remembers “that we are dust,” He has provided a safe place for us to bring our regret (Psalm 103:14). Both our sin and our human frailty leave us vulnerable to failure. Everything from forgetfulness to sharp-tongued cruelty leaves a trail of remorse in our memory, but God’s forgiveness is both comprehensive and retroactive.

God “knows what we are made of.” He remembers “we are dust.” Therefore, his forgiveness is both comprehensive and retroactive.

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“No Fishing”

When we rummage around in the past, dwelling on our failures and regrets, we are focused on ourselves and minimizing the grace of God. Corrie ten Boom survived a German concentration camp and then spent her long life speaking about the love and forgiveness of God. Her message was hard-won and hopeful: “God buries our sins in the depths of the sea and then puts up a sign that reads, ‘No fishing.’”    

“Fishing” in the past keeps the believer from living in the freedom of forgiveness and new life.  Because God has created us with the freedom to choose, we are equipped to adopt healthy thought patterns and to refuse destructive fishing expeditions into the past. [It goes without saying, yet nonetheless, I will say that this does not negate the need for counseling and/or medication for those who are dealing with chronic depression, response to trauma, or other mental health challenges.]

The Apostle Paul celebrates the believer’s identity as a “new creation” with an eye to the past and the future, for it’s true! “Old things have passed away.” We are no longer tangled up in our helpless slavery to bad habits and poor choices. 

“And look,” he announces with joy. “New things have come.” This is a solid and scriptural permission slip to leave regret behind in humility and gratitude.

No Condemnation

Once again, Paul urges his readers (this time the church in Rome) to press into God’s forgiveness and forsake the past and its load of regret because, “Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

It could be said that the therefore in Romans 8:1 refers to everything presented in the preceding chapters of Romans because, in them, Paul has delivered a comprehensive primer in the gospel of grace.

“We have died to what held us…” (7:6).

We “are not under the law but under grace” (6:14).

“…we have been declared righteous by faith, [and] we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (5:1).

My relationship with my parents is one story of regret that used to weigh me down with condemnation. I found myself continually failing to forgive my father for his reckless way of life and the precarity of my childhood. Then, when my mother came to live in our home and I was her primary caregiver, I knew that I could have had a better attitude and served her with more patience and joy.

By grace, my regret becomes a sign that repentance and growth are happening in my heart. Remorse and sorrow over sin can be a powerful motivator for better decisions in the future.

French sociologist and philosopher Henri de Tourville insisted that our sin tendencies “are not to cause… fear and anxiety, but rather humility and confidence. You are to say, ‘Yes, I am like that, yet all this will not keep God from making something of me, indeed in making of me something a thousand times more sanctified than, left to myself, I had ever thought possible.’”

Regret and despair give way to humility and confidence when we remember the power of God.

Rather than wallowing in my failure, instead, I can choose to look that failure in the face and say, “Yes, it’s true that I could have been a more compassionate daughter, but God has forgiven me, and I will allow God’s Spirit to use the sadness of regret to soften my heart toward others in the future so that I will demonstrate the love of Christ.”

Regret and despair give way to humility and confidence when we remember the power of God.

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Yes to Joy

 In Psalm 32, David has left behind a clear roadmap that travels all the way from regret to joy.

How joyful is the one
whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered!
How joyful is the man
the Lord does not charge with sin
and in whose spirit is no deceit!”

Psalm 32:1-2

For the psalmist and for all of us, the path from regret to joy comes through confession and repentance:

When I kept silent, my bones became brittle
from my groaning all day long.
For day and night Your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was drained
as in the summer’s heat.
Then I acknowledged my sin to You
and did not conceal my iniquity.
I said,
‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’
and You took away the guilt of my sin.”

Psalm 32:3-5

I continue to pray for my sons to make good choices, to honor their commitments, and to love their families well. I am also well aware that regret will be part of their lives because it is part of every life here on this fallen planet—but I can pray that their regrets will be few and that they will remember where to take their regrets.

David’s admonition is both wise and hopeful: “Therefore let everyone who is faithful pray to You at a time that You may be found” (Psalm 32:6). Thanks be to God that He can be found at all times, that He offers deliverance from regret whenever we travel the path of confession and repentance. There, we will find grace to add our voices to the “joyful shouts of deliverance” that come with forgiveness and freedom (Psalm 32:7).

Do you struggle with regret over failures or sinful choices in your past?

Does God’s proclamation of “no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” make you curious about the forgiveness and comfort he offers?

Will you choose to travel the path of confession and repentance to find joy?

Holding You in the Light,

For the psalmist and for all of us, the path from regret to joy comes through confession and repentance. “How joyful is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!” (Psalm 32:1)

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